Lately I have become uneasy with the term “recovery”. I was not sure why, but I felt that there was a deeper meaning or truth about the process that I am experiencing. I did not feel it was the right word to express the direction in which I am going.
I realized that to recover is to regain something lost or taken away, to regain the strength/composure/balance of oneself, health after being sick, or returning to a “better” condition.
But I am not regaining anything, because what I am gaining is something that I have never had before.
I am relating to the world in a completely new way.
I am continuing, and progressing.
I am changing, transforming, and renewing.
I am pursuing and listening to the inner voice—the inner wise woman—and following that guidance above everything else, following and leading at the same time.
I am reinventing my identity, reaching for clarity while remaining grounded in trust.
I am continually replacing my beliefs as more and more is revealed.
I am refeeding my appetite for truth, knowledge, wisdom, intuition, and creative expression that I have restricted and starved; releasing the illusion that my greatest contribution to the world is my appearance.
I am respecting the emotions that I have restricted. The sadness, like hollowness in my stomach, disguising itself as hunger; the anger that I have tried to purged out of my body—a violent, silent scream roaring from my throat; the fluttery anxiety in my stomach and chest, disguising itself as fullness; the embarrassment and shame that I labeled as “fat”; the insecurity that I tried to exercise away. I am responding to these feelings as teachers, guiders, through which I learn truths about myself.
I am re-examining the struggle as necessary and valuable.
I am reconciling all the conflicted parts of myself, and through this I am rejoicing and rejuvenated.
I am finding that “recovery” is not the true nature of my journey. I am not returning to any previous state that I experienced before. I am not regaining something that was lost, or a state of health that I had before my “sickness”. The struggle was not something that took me away from what I was “supposed” to be doing or who I was “supposed” to be. In retrospect, on this part of my path, it did not serve my greatest interest to have “health” be my normality.
The struggle is not a deviation from my “true” or “given” path. It is my path. By transitioning from sickness to health, I am not returning to who I was; I am becoming someone completely new, moving to a place that I have never been before. I am progressing in my natural development and growth.
I am not recovering.
I am evolving.
And this is the only way to thrive.